Personal Essay
At eleven o’clock on a Saturday night, I stood before my hockey team, tears streaming down my face, sweat dripping down my hairline, and spoke, “It was an honor to serve as your captain this season, and I couldn't have wished for a better team to lead and be a part of.”. I couldn’t even tell you what the girls did, I was a blubbering mess as it was. Of course I quickly wiped away my tears, because hockey players are tough, we don’t cry, obviously, but tears or not, there was no doubt in my mind that I was torn up. If you told me at the beginning of this season that it would be my last season here, I wouldn’t have even blinked an eye. But that night, it was a totally different story. With three years under my belt and one more year to go, it was heartbreaking to know that I wouldn’t be able to finish my hockey career as a Delco Phantom.
At thirteen years old, I immersed myself in the sport of ice hockey. My dad-who had just started ice hockey two years prior to me-and I hopped in the car and headed to our local rink, IceWorks. Next thing I knew, there I (barely) stood, looking up at all the adults in their skates and equipment, towering over me, by at least 2 feet. I spent the rest of that night tripping over the blue line, red line, and even ice in between. When my dad asked me how I liked my first time playing hockey, all I said was “Can we do this again next week?” From that moment on, I was hooked on hockey.
After that Wednesday night in April, the rest of my summer months were spent at the ice rink; I geared up in my equipment and went to every public skating session possible. When I was on the ice, there was no question I spent more time on my butt, than I did on my feet, regardless, I always got back up. As much as this new endeavour had brought me new challenges, the problems didn’t really come until I joined club hockey. It started out great, the Delco Phantoms organization had completely taken me under their wing, but the problems resided in the seasons of hockey to come.
Before each season, I had to face brutal facts, before overcoming them. My first season, 16u, I couldn’t travel or play any away games. My second season, I had to play 19u hockey at 15 years old. And, my final season, it had become so bad that I had even tried out for a boys team, worried there would not be a team for me. The impending seasons were always a stressful time. I remember feeling so defeated after each speed bump I hit, and honestly, for a while, I felt this way. My 16u season was filled with a small attendance of home games, and the updates of how an away game went. My 19u season was game after game of getting our butts handed to us. My 17u season was one of no competition, since we had no playoff run in our future. Every season there was a new shortcoming, but every season I managed to get by.
Each season, was a problem, don’t get me wrong, but my season of 17u proved itself to be the biggest failure of them all, or so I thought. Pre-skates and tryouts were that March, so I went on down to IceWorks, geared up and tried out with the girls. I was among girls who would play 14u and girls who weren’t eligible to play 16u, and regardless of the fact we didn’t know if there was a team for us, there we were. It didn’t take long for the rumors to come out, “I don’t think we’ll have a 19u team,” “We don’t have a goalie for a 16u team,” “We could make an independent 17u team?”... and so much more. Sick of hearing this gossip, my best friend and I headed on over to the boys’ Delco Phantoms tryouts. As much as I’d love to be able to say that suddenly all of my problems were solved, I can’t; boys tryouts didn’t solve anything. The process continued to be long and exhausting, months past and I continued my training, hearing bits and pieces of the gossip every now and then. August hit as the rumors subsided and the truth came out, there would be a 17u girls team for the 2017-2018 season. This should’ve been the greatest news, but it wasn’t.
I wanted to play boys’ hockey. It was a faster and more competitive game, and you could even hit, something that gets you two minutes in girls hockey. I wanted nothing more than to play boys hockey for this upcoming season, after all, the girls program had made it seem like there was no team for me, for so long. After campaigning for so long, boys hockey was no-go, and I accepted my fate at the girls 17u team. Things seemed pointless, we were an independent team, so we didn’t go to playoffs, we had just enough players for two lines, and our goalie was unknown until our first practice, the team was destined to fail. Even after I received the “C” for the team, I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure.
I can’t tell you when or what it was, but something changed. As I stood there in front of my teammates, the tears fell down my cheeks and into my hands. I looked back on every emotion I felt from this season, everything from anger and hatred, to happiness and love. I realized now, that the season was anything but a failure. Every coach, player, practice, game...etc might not have been picture perfect, but it was Phantoms perfect and I would do anything to relive it. Now that I part ways, with a heavy heart, I realize how purely amazing everything was; my time was well spent and I couldn’t be happier. The season was a wild ride and all my negative thoughts subsided and I learned just how easy it was to play hockey and have fun when you have the best team beside you.
At thirteen years old, I immersed myself in the sport of ice hockey. My dad-who had just started ice hockey two years prior to me-and I hopped in the car and headed to our local rink, IceWorks. Next thing I knew, there I (barely) stood, looking up at all the adults in their skates and equipment, towering over me, by at least 2 feet. I spent the rest of that night tripping over the blue line, red line, and even ice in between. When my dad asked me how I liked my first time playing hockey, all I said was “Can we do this again next week?” From that moment on, I was hooked on hockey.
After that Wednesday night in April, the rest of my summer months were spent at the ice rink; I geared up in my equipment and went to every public skating session possible. When I was on the ice, there was no question I spent more time on my butt, than I did on my feet, regardless, I always got back up. As much as this new endeavour had brought me new challenges, the problems didn’t really come until I joined club hockey. It started out great, the Delco Phantoms organization had completely taken me under their wing, but the problems resided in the seasons of hockey to come.
Before each season, I had to face brutal facts, before overcoming them. My first season, 16u, I couldn’t travel or play any away games. My second season, I had to play 19u hockey at 15 years old. And, my final season, it had become so bad that I had even tried out for a boys team, worried there would not be a team for me. The impending seasons were always a stressful time. I remember feeling so defeated after each speed bump I hit, and honestly, for a while, I felt this way. My 16u season was filled with a small attendance of home games, and the updates of how an away game went. My 19u season was game after game of getting our butts handed to us. My 17u season was one of no competition, since we had no playoff run in our future. Every season there was a new shortcoming, but every season I managed to get by.
Each season, was a problem, don’t get me wrong, but my season of 17u proved itself to be the biggest failure of them all, or so I thought. Pre-skates and tryouts were that March, so I went on down to IceWorks, geared up and tried out with the girls. I was among girls who would play 14u and girls who weren’t eligible to play 16u, and regardless of the fact we didn’t know if there was a team for us, there we were. It didn’t take long for the rumors to come out, “I don’t think we’ll have a 19u team,” “We don’t have a goalie for a 16u team,” “We could make an independent 17u team?”... and so much more. Sick of hearing this gossip, my best friend and I headed on over to the boys’ Delco Phantoms tryouts. As much as I’d love to be able to say that suddenly all of my problems were solved, I can’t; boys tryouts didn’t solve anything. The process continued to be long and exhausting, months past and I continued my training, hearing bits and pieces of the gossip every now and then. August hit as the rumors subsided and the truth came out, there would be a 17u girls team for the 2017-2018 season. This should’ve been the greatest news, but it wasn’t.
I wanted to play boys’ hockey. It was a faster and more competitive game, and you could even hit, something that gets you two minutes in girls hockey. I wanted nothing more than to play boys hockey for this upcoming season, after all, the girls program had made it seem like there was no team for me, for so long. After campaigning for so long, boys hockey was no-go, and I accepted my fate at the girls 17u team. Things seemed pointless, we were an independent team, so we didn’t go to playoffs, we had just enough players for two lines, and our goalie was unknown until our first practice, the team was destined to fail. Even after I received the “C” for the team, I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure.
I can’t tell you when or what it was, but something changed. As I stood there in front of my teammates, the tears fell down my cheeks and into my hands. I looked back on every emotion I felt from this season, everything from anger and hatred, to happiness and love. I realized now, that the season was anything but a failure. Every coach, player, practice, game...etc might not have been picture perfect, but it was Phantoms perfect and I would do anything to relive it. Now that I part ways, with a heavy heart, I realize how purely amazing everything was; my time was well spent and I couldn’t be happier. The season was a wild ride and all my negative thoughts subsided and I learned just how easy it was to play hockey and have fun when you have the best team beside you.